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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.